The left side of the room will be team Mega Shark, the right side is team Giant Octopus. Whenever your chosen creature, does something awesome, cheer. In case of brain explosion, sit back and enjoy the awesome. Dear God, did that shark just bite a 747 out of the air?! And there’s a “standard CSI montage”. And there’s an Ex Navy Paleontologist Guru. Alright, a giant shark and a giant octopus have been unleashed. You have your plot (oh wait, environmental message) now commence two hours of destruction! Team shark just took down a battle ship! And now our intrepid team has been kidnapped by the US government. For SCIENCE! Begin construction of the giant cages to corral the two creatures in two of the most populated waterways in the world.
And now comes one of the most inaccurate chemistry scene I’ve ever seen. Please, could you at least try to measure what you’re adding together? No? Okay, never mind. Well, if you’re not going to be accurate, at least have a good kiss scene. Uh..okay, you’ve botched that too. And here comes the gratuitous sex scene in the closet. God save us all. Please. And we’ve just used sex to figure out how to trap the giant creatures. With glowing goo!
Will someone please tell the navy captain that standing around with a look of horror on your face is not conducive to living? Oh, and there goes the Golden Gate Bridge! Go team Mega Shark! Oh, and of course the military default is nukes. Because obviously people can’t think of anything else. And now we have a giant monster match! They’re adapting. TO sonar no less. Something they should have no concept..never mind.
I just figured out that the older male scientist is trying to be Shawn Connery. Except without the acting skills. Or the accent. He keeps forgetting that he’s supposed to be speaking with an accent. Or acting for that matter. There’s another guy that’s obviously supposed to be cool, but just just comes off as an asshole.
Torpedoes with spiral power! And you have missed your target. Oh wait, it’s okay, they have emergency turbos on the sub, so they can get away! I love how they have the biologists in charge of the military. It really just makes my day.
And only the main characters survive. Oh, and after all of that, they rush off to wake up the next giant monster set.
So yes, that is everything you need to know about this movie. Trust me.
Remember, every scientist faces something like this sooner or later. (actual movie quote)
Comments are appreciated. They let me know what I’m writing is coherent.