Monday Night Movie (aka-Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter)

I want to say straight out to all of you that I had a hard time making up my mind about this movie. Is it good? Is it bad? After thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that it is a bad movie, but that I enjoyed it. It was also going too fast for me to make al the commentary that I wanted to on it. So I’ll give you some bits and pieces as coherently as I can.

Okay..this movie is worth watching for the opening credits alone. They’re hilarious to read if you know the Bible. And then we enter weirdness. With Rasputin. You might not realize it at first, but you will soon. That’s him.

Fairly soon after we get away from the psychotic Russian we find a vampire metaphorically raping a nurse. And then she asks the best question of the movie: “Where have all our lesbians gone?” Cut to the next scene and we have a priest. And he’s going to find another priest. Okay..punk rocker with a priest collar? Kind of scary. And when offered lemonade by Jesus he says: “I thirst for nothing but justice.” Seriously, Jesus just offered you lemonade, why the heck did you refuse?!

Moving right along we get some exposition. And apparently the Father’s kingdom out of sand. Exposition end, begin fight scene. Jesus instructs the priests to bless the water, and then ignores them while they get drained by the vampire chicks he’s supposed to be fighting. My commentary on Jesus’s actions: you not going to help your priests. You just let them die. And stole their bike. So that you can have a makeover. And then he starts singing and picks up random crowds along the way. Now he’s running along committing both random miracles, and just random crap. He even raised a murder victim. So why couldn’t he raise the two priests?!

And now Jesus is buying wood to make his own stakes. Or wait! Fight scene! To techno! You can apparently fit eight people into a wait, make that eleven. Four there some kind of a portal in that car?! Six more just got out! Three more and a martial arts type person? Face palm by the martial artist at the others’ failure. And he just broke the girl’s back. He’s now climbing over a pile of bodies to get his wood for stakes. And Jesus levels up.

Jesus wears Reebok and striped socks. There’s a long scene of him walking back to the place where he’s staying. There’s another fight scene which leads to him getting jumped and straddled by Mary Magnum. Let me cough at both the reference and the entendre. After she straddles him she takes him randomly to a sweat lodge. Yes, there is PLENTY of entendre there. She then decides Jesus needs yet another makeover.

Clothing montage? Oh gods, those are horrible outfits. Oh, Jesus just pulled Mary into a dressing room stall! Okay, now they’re following the vampire to the hospital. Extended view of Mary crawling around in a cat suit. And ew! They’re cutting off people’s skin so that they can go outside. Jesus and Mary follow the vamps for another fight scene! Er, except they’re not doing too well. And Mary totally seems to be into the vampire chick.

Jesus just fucked up. Mary is dead. He gets saved by a transvestite hooker (after a priest and a cop refuse to help him). And then God talks to him through a bowl of ice cream, and he eats the eye. I’m starting to think this is an acid trip. Er..who the heck is that in a silver mask? Luchedore? Two random ass grabs as they get into the car and lots of paparazzi. And then we cut to a scene of stuffing dead lesbians into junkyard cars (said lesbians are revealed to be blowup dolls in the credits). And now we’re in a club watching a snaggle toothed blind guy try to sing. Jesus is now trying to sing, except he just realized the entire club is filled with vampires! Holy crap the movie is worth watching, if only for seeing how many different and creative ways there are to stake/kill a vampire. We’re talking blessing beer here, then spitting it at a vampire. So yes.

Okay, Mary is back for another fight scene, and she’s a vampire. Cool, I did suspect she went both way.

And now Jesus is in two places at once. He’s in a junk yard where people are trying to tear him apart with cars; he’s also in the hospital fighting the vampire cutting off people’s skin. Intestine chucks are kind of nasty, by the way. The villain is fighting with the insides of a dead woman. Yeah.

And Jesus just got staked. Crucifixion jokes ensue. Jesus now has a flashlight of holiness in his chest. It apparently dusts evil vampires and heals non-evil vampires. Jesus also can bring dead lesbians back from the dead, because he wants Mary to be happy. Yeah, this Jesus is what Christianity should be (in my opinion). You’d have to listen to the teachings at the end to know why.

Rasputin! What the hell is Rasputin doing in this movie?! Yeah, this is like his third or fourth appearance. Just ignore what he’s saying (it makes no real sense) and make fun of the way he looks.

And the last scene of the bloopers is the transvestite hooker going down on Jesus.

Remember, even bad movies can have a good moral to them.

Comments are appreciated.


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