Okay, so I know I haven’t done one of these in a while but I think under the circumstances it’s excusable. I do have notes for most of the (if not all), so if anyone feels the urge to ask me to post them, I will, but otherwise I guess I’ll just go with the ones I have.
The movie begins with exposition to explain what the heck is happening. I mean if I didn’t know better I’d think the Christmas ornaments of the gods was descending towards Earth. Oh wait, spaceship, right. There’s some explanatory exposition so that the audience can pretend they know what the crap is going on with this movie. And then the movie skips over to a really friggin weird looking mask. There’s a female scientist there looking at it. It’s S&M day at the field museum. Yes, everyone is wearing tight, shiny black pleather. I mean I can understand the guys, they’re the baddies, but why the heck is she wearing a catsuit already? She hasn’t even been mind controlled ye-oh, wait there we go. And now to a completely different museum, where we see a guy being stalked by some random Aztec. Except he doesn’t realize he’s being stalked. He just gets a random headache and says “No, I get this way when I sense danger” a lot. Yup, he can sense danger, that’s why the same guy keeps sneaking up on him. Yeah, and then the Aztec tosses him out a window, but the guy is randomly okay. Yeah, moving right along to meeting with the mind controlled female doctor. It’s an awkward and weird meeting. Gets weirder later on when they just start making out. Mind you they’re making out basically in the bad guy’s lair. So yeah, he senses danger when there isn’t any, and can’t sense guys creeping up on him. Again.
Once he finally catches on that these people are trying to kill him, he’s forced to jump off a roof, except he puts on a belt and now he can fly in a really awkward way. So he jumps away from the garden of the lair, jumps back, and then jumps to a construction site for no reason. Oh, and he has somehow learned of things he hasn’t heard of before. He’s demanding to know where the mask is, when he’s never heard of it before.
Here we start the list of weird Puma Powers. He can walk through walls. Just like a puma. He can lift a car, just a like a puma. And his hands are the jaws of life. Just like a puma. High ranking officers..high ranking officers of what? Must be puma mind reading again. Pumas apparently have the power to ‘die’ for ten minutes. And puma man wears high heals. Like a puma.
Okay, lets skip ahead a little. We’re now going for mind control at the villain’s other secret layer. According to this movie there are about eight heads of state in the entire world. And mind control makes reality bend. Pumaman goes to this supposedly secret layer. And..he can’t sense danger when someone’s pointing a gun at him. The villain’s name is “cobras”, by the way. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah…
So the bombs the high priest is supposed to be blowing the place up with look like tampons. That’s okay, though because the aztec is actually the hero of the movie and totally more bad ass than Pumaman could ever hope to be. Moving past the fight scene, we see Cobras trying to escape, but the gods have other plans. Yes indeed, the gods fulfilled their holy plan to roast a man in a helicopter.
And skipping ahead again. Oh look, the giant Christmas ornament is back. The aztec is now just getting a ride back to the Andes Mountains. He thinks Pumaman is hopeless, though, and wants to try again with his kid. Good god I hope there’s never another movie like this one.
Remember, pumas can fly.