A Contest!

In the spirit of Christmas (and my distaste for certain Wal-Mart items) I am making a zombie Santa ornament, and you can win it. How? Comment below and me how you would avert a Christmas (Hanukkah, Kwanza, Yule, or any other holiday in this time period) zombie apocalypse. You have until the 20th to post. If there are more than 30 responses, I will do a second one (probably a Lovecraft themed Santa instead of another zombie). The five best entries will be decided upon by me and the winner will have their name picked out of a hat/bowl/other object by a random member of my family. One post per person, please.

And I’m not looking for a novel here, a paragraph or two would be perfect. I just want something to make me smile after spending time with certain members of my family.

Pictures of Zombie Santa the work in progress:

Creepy Wal-Mart Santa stares at you with soulless eyes. Clearly anything I do to him can only be an improvement.

Creepy Wal-Mart Santa stares at you with soulless eyes. Clearly anything I do to him can only be an improvement.

A new skin tone really helps Santa, don't you think?

A new skin tone really helps Santa, don’t you think?

Zombie Santa is mostly finished. I'll add one last picture tomorrow, a good one taken with a real camera, that will show the final touch ups.

Zombie Santa is mostly finished. I’ll add one last picture tomorrow, a good one taken with a real camera, that will show the final touch ups.

HO! Hoooo! Ooooooh! Uuuuuh...braaaaiiiins...

HO! Hoooo! Ooooooh! Uuuuuh…braaaaiiiins…

Remember, post me something by the 20th!

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2 comments

  1. I would probably work to prevent it in the first place. If we’re talking a virus, watching things from the CDC and ensuring that any problems like that are dealt with quickly and containing the disease. Looking at history, closed borders can help this a lot as Poland during the plague was largely unaffected. That said though, there are a lot of different things that could happen in the way of a zombie apocalypse.

    ‘course this is a Christmas or yuletide or end of year holiday named as such in this way in an attempt to be politically correct. So, we could likely also draw upon the entities and beings of these holidays into a coalition to use their magic and good will to make the zombies fall apart, or be a lot more pleasant. ‘course the whole prevention thing too is capable here, when the first cases start showing up, nip it in the bud FAST before it really reaches apocalyptic levels.

    So yeah, that’s what I’d do. Get the big wigs of the holiday season working together against the threat.

  2. Hi Kelly, here’s my humble take on the old flesh munchers:

    They are decaying corpses. Individually, they are not strong; their muscles have atrophied to jelly, their tendons are deteriorated, and their bones are soft and spongy. Taken one at a time, zombies are easy to stop. But they never come at you one at a time, do they? They always come in a howling mob. And while their brains have long ceased upper-level cogitation, they have a powerful and inalterable collective mentality that gives them a sole, overriding command: consume.

    Their top choice of consumption is, of course, living human flesh. We all know that. But the key to averting a zombie apocalypse is not to try to kill every zombie one at a time. That is futile. No, the key lies in manipulating the very mentality that drives them. And Christmas is the perfect time to do this.

    The answer was provided for us years ago. We just never paid attention to it. The prophet George Romero gave us the key to stopping zombies back in 1978 when the first zombie plague hit Pittsburgh. His documentary “Dawn of the Dead” showed how zombies, while craving human flesh, were, above all, consumers. Even without realizing there were living people inside, zombies flocked to shopping malls. Why? Because the materialistic aspirations they had in life were exacerbated after death. Even dead, zombies could not let go of physical things! They couldn’t bear to be parted from their shiny objects!

    And when does materialism reach a manic pitch? Why, at Christmas of course!

    I believe we can guide the undead away from their flesh fetish by luring them to big box stores and glittering shopping malls with flashing lights and huge signs saying “Top Merchandise 70% Off! Hurry! Supplies won’t last!” Funnel the dead down roads lined with televisions blaring endless commercials about “One Day Only Sales!” to give them that sense of urgency. Trust me, you’ll be able to dance naked in front of them, smeared with barbecue sauce, and they’ll pay you no attention whatsoever.

    Within the stores, place the 70” HD televisions and iPhones on the far side of deep pits filled with flaming jets of natural gas. The zombies, in their excitement to be the first to get at the good stuff, will stumble and push their way into the pits and look longingly up at “American Idol” playing in high resolution while they are charred into ashes.

    Then we have to remember to shut off the gas before the mindless hordes of the living follow suit. I’ve got my eye on that Sony right there…

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