Won’t Stay Dead

Where the Hell is Kelly?

Here’s a fun game for all of us. It’s like “Where’s Waldo” but with more swearing. Where am I? What am I doing? Why the hell haven’t I updated this blog in forever? Well, in the first place, I’m still alive, working two jobs, and for a three week stretch (23 days, but who’s counting?) I didn’t have a day off; I was working at either one job or the other. During this time I’ve been continuing my work as an editor and trying to do normal human things like “laundry” and “bathing”. Other things, like this blog and most human interaction outside of work, have fallen through the cracks. I’ve had two weeks in a row, though, where I’ve been able to get a day off and the trend looks like it will hopefully continue.

I don’t really have much more to update than this. I haven’t been writing much, editing less of my own work, and I’ve only recently started to catch up on the back log of reading I have waiting for me (though I did finally get through my email). If by some chance you need to contact me, you can leave a note in the comments, email me, or send me a message on twitter. I am going to try to get back to updating at least semi-regularly. Well, we’ll see how that goes.

A Contest!

In the spirit of Christmas (and my distaste for certain Wal-Mart items) I am making a zombie Santa ornament, and you can win it. How? Comment below and me how you would avert a Christmas (Hanukkah, Kwanza, Yule, or any other holiday in this time period) zombie apocalypse. You have until the 20th to post. If there are more than 30 responses, I will do a second one (probably a Lovecraft themed Santa instead of another zombie). The five best entries will be decided upon by me and the winner will have their name picked out of a hat/bowl/other object by a random member of my family. One post per person, please.

And I’m not looking for a novel here, a paragraph or two would be perfect. I just want something to make me smile after spending time with certain members of my family.

Pictures of Zombie Santa the work in progress:

Creepy Wal-Mart Santa stares at you with soulless eyes. Clearly anything I do to him can only be an improvement.

Creepy Wal-Mart Santa stares at you with soulless eyes. Clearly anything I do to him can only be an improvement.

A new skin tone really helps Santa, don't you think?

A new skin tone really helps Santa, don’t you think?

Zombie Santa is mostly finished. I'll add one last picture tomorrow, a good one taken with a real camera, that will show the final touch ups.

Zombie Santa is mostly finished. I’ll add one last picture tomorrow, a good one taken with a real camera, that will show the final touch ups.

HO! Hoooo! Ooooooh! Uuuuuh...braaaaiiiins...

HO! Hoooo! Ooooooh! Uuuuuh…braaaaiiiins…

Remember, post me something by the 20th!

Crash and Burn

Wow. What a month. Or two. And not in a good way. To give you an update on my life, two of our staff members quit, right before the busiest time of year. I decided to write (and wrote) a novella during that time period. I found out the company I’ve been working for lost its contract with the government and I’ll have to reapply if I want to work here next year. I realized I don’t really want to work here next year. I worked two 50+ hour weeks in a row and had to fight for a day off during one of those weeks. I read 6 novels, at least 8 novellas and a bunch of short stories and am working on reading more. I managed not to kill any guests at work and kept my coworkers from murdering anyone either. I have not collapsed from exhaustion yet (either mental or physical) though there were a couple days where I was close. And sadly I have not yet finished the “outline” phase of my current work in progress, though I am so close I can taste it. I’ve set it aside for a bit, though, so I can read. I’m currently in the middle of 1984. Brave New World should be arriving any day.

I am ready for a break. I’m more than ready for the season to be over. I don’t want to deal with people anymore (though I’ve been seeing some really nice people lately. Unfortunately I’m to the point that I assume they’re going to yell at me unless proven otherwise.), and I definitely don’t want to be responsible for their problems. I’m tired of people complaining about the smallest things (I asked for a TOP floor room, even though I made my reservations YESTERDAY, and I am MAD someone who made their reservation months ago got it instead of me!)

On a happier note, I’m ready to write. My massive reading binge (4 of the 6 novels have been in the past two weeks) is my way of recharging my writing (and my poor beleaguered brain). While I’d planned to start writing my work in progress this month, I think everyone will be happier with the result if I wait until next month (or at least I will). I am also planning on writing and submitting a few more short stories, both to anthologies and magazines.

So yeah, I’m ready to crash and my sanity has already burned. Please send help.

Remember, sanity is relative. Whose relative is questionable, but certainly not one of mine.

Ah Spammers, How I Love Thee (Not)

I think that spammers have realized something very important about web blogs. If they stroke the ego of the person they are trying to spam, they are much more likely to be allowed to keep their spam on the page on which they put it. I’m not sure exactly when they discovered it, but they seem to have all done so at one time (a discussion on how many spammers there actually are and if they are connected to a hive mind can be carried out in the comments section). I checked in on my blog today to find there were 11 spammer messages. Now some of these were very nice and sweet spammer messages that I might have considered leaving if they had been on an actual blog post. Here’s one of them from Scholarships Single Mother:

Hiya! I just would like to give a huge thumbs up for the nice data you’ve got here on this post. I can be coming again to your weblog for extra soon.

Ignoring the obvious grammatical issues, it’s actually a rather nice note. Here’s another one from e-liquid:

We are a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your web site offered us with valuable info to work on. You have done an impressive job and our whole community will be grateful to you.

Once again, a very sweet note, despite the grammatical indications that it’s a generated message. Some of them were almost sweet enough for me to consider keeping them. There was only one problem – they were ALL made on my About the Author page. I keep a very short bio there. So yes, nice try spammers, but you’re going to have to do better than that.

On a completely unrelated note, I may or may not have announced that one of my stories, “Relevant Information From the Tel Najmah Site”, will appear in the In Situ Anthology. I am extremely excited about this and will keep all of you updated on that. Thanks to everyone who wished me well already.

Well, I must be off. I have friends to annoy, dart gun fights to visit, and terror to instill into the hearts of freshmen. It’s going to be a wonderful evening.

Comments are greatly appreciated. It makes me think I’m not just talking to myself and the spammers.

Late Monday Night Movie (aka-Pumaman)

Okay, so I know I haven’t done one of these in a while but I think under the circumstances it’s excusable. I do have notes for most of the (if not all), so if anyone feels the urge to ask me to post them, I will, but otherwise I guess I’ll just go with the ones I have.

The movie begins with exposition to explain what the heck is happening. I mean if I didn’t know better I’d think the Christmas ornaments of the gods was descending towards Earth. Oh wait, spaceship, right. There’s some explanatory exposition so that the audience can pretend they know what the crap is going on with this movie. And then the movie skips over to a really friggin weird looking mask. There’s a female scientist there looking at it. It’s S&M day at the field museum. Yes, everyone is wearing tight, shiny black pleather. I mean I can understand the guys, they’re the baddies, but why the heck is she wearing a catsuit already? She hasn’t even been mind controlled ye-oh, wait there we go. And now to a completely different museum, where we see a guy being stalked by some random Aztec. Except he doesn’t realize he’s being stalked. He just gets a random headache and says “No, I get this way when I sense danger” a lot. Yup, he can sense danger, that’s why the same guy keeps sneaking up on him. Yeah, and then the Aztec tosses him out a window, but the guy is randomly okay. Yeah, moving right along to meeting with the mind controlled female doctor. It’s an awkward and weird meeting. Gets weirder later on when they just start making out. Mind you they’re making out basically in the bad guy’s lair. So yeah, he senses danger when there isn’t any, and can’t sense guys creeping up on him. Again.

Once he finally catches on that these people are trying to kill him, he’s forced to jump off a roof, except he puts on a belt and now he can fly in a really awkward way. So he jumps away from the garden of the lair, jumps back, and then jumps to a construction site for no reason. Oh, and he has somehow learned of things he hasn’t heard of before. He’s demanding to know where the mask is, when he’s never heard of it before.

Here we start the list of weird Puma Powers. He can walk through walls. Just like a puma. He can lift a car, just a like a puma. And his hands are the jaws of life. Just like a puma. High ranking officers..high ranking officers of what? Must be puma mind reading again. Pumas apparently have the power to ‘die’ for ten minutes. And puma man wears high heals. Like a puma.

Okay, lets skip ahead a little. We’re now going for mind control at the villain’s other secret layer. According to this movie there are about eight heads of state in the entire world. And mind control makes reality bend. Pumaman goes to this supposedly secret layer. And..he can’t sense danger when someone’s pointing a gun at him. The villain’s name is “cobras”, by the way. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah…

So the bombs the high priest is supposed to be blowing the place up with look like tampons. That’s okay, though because the aztec is actually the hero of the movie and totally more bad ass than Pumaman could ever hope to be. Moving past the fight scene, we see Cobras trying to escape, but the gods have other plans. Yes indeed, the gods fulfilled their holy plan to roast a man in a helicopter.

And skipping ahead again. Oh look, the giant Christmas ornament is back. The aztec is now just getting a ride back to the Andes Mountains. He thinks Pumaman is hopeless, though, and wants to try again with his kid. Good god I hope there’s never another movie like this one.

Remember, pumas can fly.

Monday Night Movie (aka-Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter)

I want to say straight out to all of you that I had a hard time making up my mind about this movie. Is it good? Is it bad? After thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that it is a bad movie, but that I enjoyed it. It was also going too fast for me to make al the commentary that I wanted to on it. So I’ll give you some bits and pieces as coherently as I can.

Okay..this movie is worth watching for the opening credits alone. They’re hilarious to read if you know the Bible. And then we enter weirdness. With Rasputin. You might not realize it at first, but you will soon. That’s him.

Fairly soon after we get away from the psychotic Russian we find a vampire metaphorically raping a nurse. And then she asks the best question of the movie: “Where have all our lesbians gone?” Cut to the next scene and we have a priest. And he’s going to find another priest. Okay..punk rocker with a priest collar? Kind of scary. And when offered lemonade by Jesus he says: “I thirst for nothing but justice.” Seriously, Jesus just offered you lemonade, why the heck did you refuse?!

Moving right along we get some exposition. And apparently the Father’s kingdom out of sand. Exposition end, begin fight scene. Jesus instructs the priests to bless the water, and then ignores them while they get drained by the vampire chicks he’s supposed to be fighting. My commentary on Jesus’s actions: you not going to help your priests. You just let them die. And stole their bike. So that you can have a makeover. And then he starts singing and picks up random crowds along the way. Now he’s running along committing both random miracles, and just random crap. He even raised a murder victim. So why couldn’t he raise the two priests?!

And now Jesus is buying wood to make his own stakes. Or wait! Fight scene! To techno! You can apparently fit eight people into a car..no wait, make that eleven. Four more..is there some kind of a portal in that car?! Six more just got out! Three more and a martial arts type person? Face palm by the martial artist at the others’ failure. And he just broke the girl’s back. He’s now climbing over a pile of bodies to get his wood for stakes. And Jesus levels up.

Jesus wears Reebok and striped socks. There’s a long scene of him walking back to the place where he’s staying. There’s another fight scene which leads to him getting jumped and straddled by Mary Magnum. Let me cough at both the reference and the entendre. After she straddles him she takes him randomly to a sweat lodge. Yes, there is PLENTY of entendre there. She then decides Jesus needs yet another makeover.

Clothing montage? Oh gods, those are horrible outfits. Oh, Jesus just pulled Mary into a dressing room stall! Okay, now they’re following the vampire to the hospital. Extended view of Mary crawling around in a cat suit. And ew! They’re cutting off people’s skin so that they can go outside. Jesus and Mary follow the vamps for another fight scene! Er, except they’re not doing too well. And Mary totally seems to be into the vampire chick.

Jesus just fucked up. Mary is dead. He gets saved by a transvestite hooker (after a priest and a cop refuse to help him). And then God talks to him through a bowl of ice cream, and he eats the eye. I’m starting to think this is an acid trip. Er..who the heck is that in a silver mask? Luchedore? Two random ass grabs as they get into the car and lots of paparazzi. And then we cut to a scene of stuffing dead lesbians into junkyard cars (said lesbians are revealed to be blowup dolls in the credits). And now we’re in a club watching a snaggle toothed blind guy try to sing. Jesus is now trying to sing, except he just realized the entire club is filled with vampires! Holy crap the movie is worth watching, if only for seeing how many different and creative ways there are to stake/kill a vampire. We’re talking blessing beer here, then spitting it at a vampire. So yes.

Okay, Mary is back for another fight scene, and she’s a vampire. Cool, I did suspect she went both way.

And now Jesus is in two places at once. He’s in a junk yard where people are trying to tear him apart with cars; he’s also in the hospital fighting the vampire cutting off people’s skin. Intestine chucks are kind of nasty, by the way. The villain is fighting with the insides of a dead woman. Yeah.

And Jesus just got staked. Crucifixion jokes ensue. Jesus now has a flashlight of holiness in his chest. It apparently dusts evil vampires and heals non-evil vampires. Jesus also can bring dead lesbians back from the dead, because he wants Mary to be happy. Yeah, this Jesus is what Christianity should be (in my opinion). You’d have to listen to the teachings at the end to know why.

Rasputin! What the hell is Rasputin doing in this movie?! Yeah, this is like his third or fourth appearance. Just ignore what he’s saying (it makes no real sense) and make fun of the way he looks.

And the last scene of the bloopers is the transvestite hooker going down on Jesus.

Remember, even bad movies can have a good moral to them.

Comments are appreciated.

Monday Night Movies (Aka-Double Feature!)

Today, because of an unexpected illness we watched a movie in my first club of the night as well as my second. The first was The Golden Voyage of Sinbad. An interesting little flick from the mid 1970’s. It has some (for the time) cutting edge special effects, including claymation (which by the way, is not the best way to make a hideous creature of evil. The little gargoyle/gremlin thing was so evil it was cute. Or well, just cute.) Over all, I’d say the only redeeming value this movie has is it’s obvious influence on a few later movies (including Indiana Jones and Star Wars). If you’re not offended by overt racism, then have a go at the movie. You might even find Shiva with boobs funny (there’s a statue that’s supposed to be Kali, but to those in the know is definitely Shiva. Except he is a she.) Funny, the pseudo hindu/budhist mix didn’t go over big in India. I suppose portraying the natives as skinny orcs had nothing to do with that either. Yeah, watch for a laugh, watch with friends, watch with lots of soda.

Our second movie of the night is actually a Skiffy homebrewed classic. Some of you might have heard of “Dark Side of the Rainbow”. This syncs The Wizard of Oz with Pink Floyd (not my thing personally, but others in the room seemed to like it when we watched it last year). With this inspiration in mind, one of the guys in Skiffy decided to mix the Who’s “Who’s Next” (only the first nine tracks) with a random slasher film. The fifth Friday the 13th movie was suggested (Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning), and they set it up for a try. I have to say, the first real scene of the movie syncs so dead on with the music that it is worth watching, if only for that. There are other parts of the movie that just really click with the sound track (and yes, you do need to listen to the lyrics and not just the pretty sounds). The addition of the music transforms what would otherwise be just another slasher flick (and not a very good one at that) into a work of art. Whether you believe me or not, there is character depth, and actual feeling added to the movie. We at Skiffy laughed, “awwwwed”, and actually felt for some of the characters (most notoriously Jason himself!). There was even a previously undiscovered scene of forbidden love (two guys). I would DEFINATELY recommend this watch. I know it isn’t up on the internet (Chuckles has said that he will try to get it up sometime in the future) so if you want to watch it, you’re going to have to get the video and the music CD. If you can rent, I think it’s worth it.

Going to cut this short because I’m tired. Later all.

Remember, paring music with random movies can make the most awesome watching experience. Or at least make a movie worth your time.

Comments are appreciated. They make me feel loved.